I Choose Him

destinyI think somewhere along the course of my life I lost my way. The marriage and family way to be clear. Two days from now, May 16, 2017, will mark my fourth wedding anniversary. Up until two days ago, I blamed GOD for not feeling HIS blessing on it. I realized after counseling Thursday that I’d never really chosen my husband. I mean, really chose him. For four years I pretty much felt that he and GOD chose me, but that I didn’t have say. These feelings then led to doubt who insisted that her friends rejection, anger, resentment, disappointment, and discontentment come over for a visit. I looked at my marriage to Hosea as an arranged marriage, something someone unbeknownst to me-chose for me. I, in turn associated everything that came with arrangement as a chore, including my children.  My prayer to GOD was always, AM I IN YOUR WILL because it didn’t feel like it. So fast forward to last Thursday. I’m speaking with my counselor and he shared with me that love is an act and true love in marriage is demonstrated not in the beautiful fragrance of the honeymoon phase, but in the commitment to remain in the marriage when you fall out of love with your spouse, when you don’t like them, when finances are disrupted, when you disagree about the children, when you fail to live up to your end of the bargain, and when you’re just plain tired of the climb. It’s on that mountain of isolation that you must choose to love. I’m not sure at what point I chose NOT to love, but I know I did. I never gave my husband a fighting chance. He had already lost at starting line. I never chose him-not once.  I can’t imagine what these four years must have been like for him and my children. I was so busy praying to know GOD’S will that I missed living it each day. I can’t get that time back.  My obsession to be obedient led to my disobedience.

Today, however, I can rejoice! Hallelujah and glory to GOD! I choose to live beautiful, blessed days with a wonderful husband who has loved me with all of his heart. He truly exemplifies in love with a commitment that our Heavenly Father would be proud of. Today, I prayerfully open my eyes to my reality rather than chasing a fantasy. Today, I choose my husband as a new bride before GOD on her wedding day. Today I take MHS as my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward and even forevermore.

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The Lies That Our Wants Tell

overindulgeI love my children! I love how they know what they need, when they need it. I love how they can tell my when they’ve had enough of something or when they need more. I love how innocent and pure that response to need is. It’s untouched by man seemingly connected directly to the Father. When they were babies they would eat until they were full and that was it. Nap, poop, repeat! Even today their habits are the same, with the exception of playing, school and family engagement. There requirements to survive are simple and unbinding.

But what about me? At what point in life did I start to over-consume and over-indulge? When did self control become an issue?

I’m asking this because I was recently diagnosed with pre-diabetes. It runs in my family which means I have a higher than normal risk of developing Type 2 diabetes if I don’t get things under control. A little about me – I’m 5’3, 137 lbs and losing so I’m not overweight and yet I have this condition. At my doctor’s request I began living a no sugar, no carb, exercise daily, no stress lifestyle so that we can determine what sends my levels high and what doesn’t.

I was doing fairly well for the first week or so. Then the enemy got a hold of me. It seemed like everything that could stress me out-stressed me out. I love my kids remember, but they were in to everything, asking for everything, complaining about everything and my husband was coming home late from work and going into the office to zone out! No help there. So I was pretty much spiraling out and the enemy knew it. overindulge

There was no outlet in sight. What do you think I did? Yep, I ate. It started with one cookie here, a peanut cracker there, a taco here, and maybe a little chocolate there. Completely destroying my progress. I was so disappointed in myself. I lost faith. I gave in to what I wanted and didn’t listen to what I needed. I didn’t need the food (which I learned is a costly coping mechanism when I’m stressed). I just needed to communicate clearly and calmly to those around me that I needed some help. I don’t like communicating things I think everyone around me should already know. I’d rather bottle it up and wait for the firestorm, which benefits no one and in this case harms my body.

That’s why I admire kids. They know when they’ve had enough to eat or drink. They know when they’ve had enough play time and need a nap. They have a deep connection to their bodies and they acknowledge it. It’s time I work my way back to that.

Take back what adulthood took away! I believed that since I was an adult I could do whatever, eat whatever, stay up however, just whatever because I was grown. But that lifestyle wasn’t and hasn’t been beneficial. I guess this all brings truth to the statement your choices today will impact your life tomorrow.

Dear Lord,Mariah is (6)

Amen

The Quote Challenge-Day 3

Friends,

Phew! I barely made it today y’all! I’ve been super busy and distracted. Anyway, it’s 10:08 pm and I’m here to deliver my three quotes for today. Unfortunately, this will wind my quote challenge, which I really enjoyed participating in, but I look forward to continually sharing little nuggets I pick up along the way. I was glad for the opportunity. Please make sure you stop by http://www.theungodlywoman.wordpress.com. She has a beautiful blog and give you the real each time she posts.

The Quote Challenge-Day 2

Greetings!

Today’s quotes mean a lot to who I am and who I want to be. With the experiences I’ve had in life I walk with a lot of insecurities and wounds. Some have healed and some will take a lifetime and there are some that only the face of God will heal. I’m good with that! So these give me that extra push to try something new and believe what I know rather than what I’ve been shown by those around me. I hope these bless you or someone you know that could use some inspiration.

The Quote Challenge-Day 1

A friendly lady over at http://www.theungodlywoman.wordpress.com issued a challenge to her subscribers to complete three posts with three quotes for three days. I’d like to say there are definitely a few I keep in my back pocket for a rainy day. So here goes…

By the way, I will reblog this on my other blog http://www.trustedtruthblog.wordpress.com. Hop on over and take a read!

Life’s Hardest Relationship!

What God has taught me in the course of a year is praiseworthy. I initially started this blog as a journal of how I felt (and I felt a lot-all the time) about marriage and my husband and myself. I guess as time has gone on I’ve learned that marriage is the hardest earthly relationship I will ever have.

I’m not perfect and most days that reflects in the choices I make, but to have asked another imperfect person to live up to my perfect expectations was daunting for me and him. God taught me a few things so grab a seat and take read. There’s a lot so I’m breaking this up into a few posts.

  1. My role in this marriage is not about me.

I got married for me. That’s hard to admit, but it’s my truth. I got married because I wanted to be this wife that was perfect. I wanted a better life, but when we got home it seemed I was everything BUT perfect. My flaws began to surface like pimples during puberty! I mean, I looked to the right and I was doing something wrong. I looked to the left and yep, that wasn’t right either. I just couldn’t get wife right. You know what I mean? I know part of it had to do with me not having wife training. My mother married late in life. The other part was I was operating within my own will, strength, power, prayer, desires, etc. Don’t get wrong, God was a part of it, but not THE part of it. He wasn’t my focus. He was my backup plan. I would say, “Ok, God that didn’t work. What can I try next?” Then I would scurry off to another self help book on marriage or the internet. Those were my go to’s on any given day. I think I spent the majority of my first and second year of marriage living someone else’s opinion of what my marriage should be.

So how did I learn the lesson? Well, as I continued on my journey to master the role of a wife I got real tired. It began taking it’s toll on my health and attitude (I was sick for over a year, just recently diagnosed with prediabetes and anemia).

I remember praying one morning a few months ago. I asked God to change me because He was the only person I knew that really had that Power. Not me, not a self help book, not the internet, not my husband. I realized all those things were mastering me. I said, “If being in Your word can change minds, hearts and lives then I’m ready to try it. I give all this to You and I will read and study everyday.” That’s when He shared these verses with me:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.    Ephesians 4:2  

Do nothing our of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

The reality of my life was I was centering it all on me. It wasn’t about God or my husband. My faith was placed in me. I was not a servant. Heck, I spent so much time reading and researching there wasn’t time to serve, be gentle, humble or patient. During that time I was always defeated, sad, disappointed, angry, and out of control. But oh when He stepped in! He reminded me of His simplest requests. Surrender and Service. This marriage is not about me. It is about God and my husband’s heart and soul. I am here to help him meet Christ and the daily needs of this life. I am here to serve.

Such a Long Time

Greetings followers! It has been much to long since I published here! I know. But I’m back! Since I last wrote my life has changed in so many ways. Well. I have changed in so many ways. You’ll find that my journey in marriage has taken a turn and at the same time remained the same. I hope you forgive me for my walkabout and find precious jewels in what I have to share.

With love,

Tamera

Just For Today

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I love the LORD with all my heart! HE is right! I am an imperfect woman and I have been joyfully called to love an imperfect man. HE is growing me up to teach my children and leave legacies for their children on how to love and cherish your spouse. I woke up today with a surrendered heart, open to share.

I was vulnerable with my husband this morning and it was freeing. I didn’t hesitate, I didn’t reclaim the statement, I wasn’t defensive, and I didn’t have any doubtful thoughts right after. Wow! What a blessing! I don’t deserve anything that GOD does for me. I don’t deserve HIS favor or anointing and I am so grateful when HE shares it. I want to be ever mindful and present to see HIS presence in me everyday.

My prayer is this…Thank YOU for this vulnerability. Thank YOU for showing me that it’s safe to have an open heart because trusting YOU is good. Thank YOU for showing me what walking heart led in marriage looks like. Thank YOU for today. Thank YOU for my husband. Don’t let the work stop. I’m open and willing to grow and receive YOUR power. With all my love, in JESUS’ name. Amen

Awakening…

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On yesterday, December 23, 2013, I woke to an amazing truth. Something I never quite saw clearly before this day. My heart was in a lonely state. My husband decided this year we would not be investing in a Christmas tree, my immediate family because of heart issues has rendered itself dysfunctional and we have no one coming to visit. To top it off, he and I have our daily mountains to climb. These thoughts were swimming through my mind as soon as the sun hit my face. Ugh, was the only word I could muster up. As I do, I went into my quiet place for quiet time alone with God. His soft words whispered to my heart, “Not today.” “Let go and breathe in my holy grace for it is sufficient.”

I must admit my initial reason for beginning this blog was to reach out to see if there were any people out there that could/would relate to the state of my marriage. I wanted attention and clarification that I’m not crazy. Instead, I got a big slap on the hand! Blogging became an idol within 2-3 days!

So what was the awakening? get to the point! Well, a change of heart, mind and spirit. I woke up realizing that I wanted nothing more than to serve this husband I’d committed my life to. I woke up to the desire to live out my responsibility in this role of wife as wholeheartedly as I can. I woke up to service and sacrifice and unconditional love. I woke up to the notion that once I respect my husband as God has called me to do, without expectations then God would truly use me to change my home. I woke up to a new way of looking at who I am and whose I am. God designed me to love this man in a way no other woman can/will ever love him. What an honor! He has done everything to try to rescue me from the pit of death that I chose to live in for so long and I returned his love with contempt, anger and disrespect. This job I do, I do it for God. Not for what I hope to get back from it. I want Him to say I am well pleased with you My daughter for you did love My son with all your heart.

My hope and prayer is that with prayer this fire that I have, this awakening I’ve experienced guides me for forever, for that is exactly what I’m praying for.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

 

With Love,

Tamera

Influence. What does that mean anyway?

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I’m currently reading Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Influence Their Husbands by Gary Thomas and I must say it’s a pretty good read. He basically talks about how we as women shape our homes and how we have the ability to change our husbands by reflecting Christ’s light through us. One particular section talked about how women tend to be passive, not really speaking up for what we want from the relationship. Listen, I tried this, and it didn’t work. I was pretty much given the – you don’t do what I ask so why should I? I have to admit when my husband and I first married I really tried to BE what he desired. That meant reading books together, engaging in long discussions about my past, etc. That didn’t last very long. I lacked the maturity to appreciate those moments and thus lost his desire to engage with me. He decided that since I didn’t appreciate it, he wouldn’t press. So I went to him to share that I wanted those moments to resume; however, without saying it was too late-it was too late. I get that it’s going to take time for him to feel vulnerabe again. We don’t communicate because there’s so much not being said. What I want most is for us to put up the white flags and agree that our marriage is more important to God and that deserves a fight. I wanted the book to tell me how to fix that. I want people to tell me how to fix that and no one or nothing has the answers. But God says my will you won’t find in any book. My will does not come from man. My will doesn’t even come from you. Seek me first and I will give you the desires of your heart. Waiting is the most difficult thing because it requires trust, patience, faith, maturity selflessness. Ugh! The only thing I can do is all of the above and there in lies the INFLUENCE.