God has consistently been a presence in my life. From the moment I was conceived out of wedlock to the moment I accepted my husband’s proposal. He has been there. Always willing to guide me. Even on the most grueling days. Since my acceptance of Christ in 1998, I wondered through life with this I know better than You (God) attitude. I attributed my lack of faith and trust to the fact that no man had ever shown me the unconditional love. Despite what God’s word said; my experience with men was a clear indication of how He felt about me. Much to my surprise 35 years later, that was so untrue. A lie from the enemy to keep me bound.
This lie was so realistic and true that it affected every relationship that I’ve ever had. There was always a need to remain hidden and shielded from the judgement of others. The odometer that most people developed in childhood was missing. I lacked the skill set needed to build meaningful, deep relationships with those around me. Thus turning to a superficial way of interacting, which brings me here today. It wasn’t until the weekend of October 11, 2013, that I truly experienced God’s love for me. I accepted the reality of a man loving me so much that He would send His son to die for me. That defining moment sent me on the quest For my life. A journey to learn more about this love and how I could be me and still be adored. Sadly, that meant that the woman I spent much of my life portraying would no longer be needed. That meant the woman my husband knew would at some point cease to exist. That meant I would have to learn who I am, whose I am, what I like and what I don’t like all over again. And I was ready! But that meant my marriage would be blank, void of depth, knowledge and understanding.
It has been difficult for Marcus and I. We share a like background, both coming from homes that provided little to no source of consistent love and encouragement. In many ways we actually grew up alone, in our heads, absent of the relationships one learns to develop as a child. These wounds, scars, disappointments and photos of inexperience live with us each day. Me with my lack of trust and need for male approval and acceptance and him with his self protection and low self worth blend terribly on a day to day basis. My fervent request for the 3-4 month of our marriage was for Marcus to change and dwell less on the past on more on me-now-his wife-standing in front of him, but with each breathe we some how ended up back in the same loveless, pitiful, self absorbed, neglectful, painful pit of despair. Love is eternal, God is eternal, Love is a choice, an action, Christ is a choice. Why has it been so hard to accept God’s grace in pain when all you want to do is feel love and appreciation from the people you’re with?