Awakening…

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On yesterday, December 23, 2013, I woke to an amazing truth. Something I never quite saw clearly before this day. My heart was in a lonely state. My husband decided this year we would not be investing in a Christmas tree, my immediate family because of heart issues has rendered itself dysfunctional and we have no one coming to visit. To top it off, he and I have our daily mountains to climb. These thoughts were swimming through my mind as soon as the sun hit my face. Ugh, was the only word I could muster up. As I do, I went into my quiet place for quiet time alone with God. His soft words whispered to my heart, “Not today.” “Let go and breathe in my holy grace for it is sufficient.”

I must admit my initial reason for beginning this blog was to reach out to see if there were any people out there that could/would relate to the state of my marriage. I wanted attention and clarification that I’m not crazy. Instead, I got a big slap on the hand! Blogging became an idol within 2-3 days!

So what was the awakening? get to the point! Well, a change of heart, mind and spirit. I woke up realizing that I wanted nothing more than to serve this husband I’d committed my life to. I woke up to the desire to live out my responsibility in this role of wife as wholeheartedly as I can. I woke up to service and sacrifice and unconditional love. I woke up to the notion that once I respect my husband as God has called me to do, without expectations then God would truly use me to change my home. I woke up to a new way of looking at who I am and whose I am. God designed me to love this man in a way no other woman can/will ever love him. What an honor! He has done everything to try to rescue me from the pit of death that I chose to live in for so long and I returned his love with contempt, anger and disrespect. This job I do, I do it for God. Not for what I hope to get back from it. I want Him to say I am well pleased with you My daughter for you did love My son with all your heart.

My hope and prayer is that with prayer this fire that I have, this awakening I’ve experienced guides me for forever, for that is exactly what I’m praying for.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

 

With Love,

Tamera

Influence. What does that mean anyway?

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I’m currently reading Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Influence Their Husbands by Gary Thomas and I must say it’s a pretty good read. He basically talks about how we as women shape our homes and how we have the ability to change our husbands by reflecting Christ’s light through us. One particular section talked about how women tend to be passive, not really speaking up for what we want from the relationship. Listen, I tried this, and it didn’t work. I was pretty much given the – you don’t do what I ask so why should I? I have to admit when my husband and I first married I really tried to BE what he desired. That meant reading books together, engaging in long discussions about my past, etc. That didn’t last very long. I lacked the maturity to appreciate those moments and thus lost his desire to engage with me. He decided that since I didn’t appreciate it, he wouldn’t press. So I went to him to share that I wanted those moments to resume; however, without saying it was too late-it was too late. I get that it’s going to take time for him to feel vulnerabe again. We don’t communicate because there’s so much not being said. What I want most is for us to put up the white flags and agree that our marriage is more important to God and that deserves a fight. I wanted the book to tell me how to fix that. I want people to tell me how to fix that and no one or nothing has the answers. But God says my will you won’t find in any book. My will does not come from man. My will doesn’t even come from you. Seek me first and I will give you the desires of your heart. Waiting is the most difficult thing because it requires trust, patience, faith, maturity selflessness. Ugh! The only thing I can do is all of the above and there in lies the INFLUENCE.

Statements that move me

Statements that move me

This is undoubtedly the statement of my life. I wish I’d known that the real definition of marriage is selfless sacrifice, honesty, transparency, compassion, trust, and complete and unconditional reliance and dependence on God. The individual that is you no longer has answers. You will have to develop a consistent prayer life for yourself, your spouse, your children and your faith. Marriage is seeing what isn’t as though it is.

Just a little lie!

God has consistently been a presence in my life. From the moment I was conceived out of wedlock to the moment I accepted my husband’s proposal. He has been there. Always willing to guide me. Even on the most grueling days. Since my acceptance of Christ in 1998, I wondered through life with this I know better than You (God) attitude. I attributed my lack of faith and trust to the fact that no man had ever shown me the unconditional love. Despite what God’s word said; my experience with men was a clear indication of how He felt about me. Much to my surprise 35 years later, that was so untrue. A lie from the enemy to keep me bound.

This lie was so realistic and true that it affected every relationship that I’ve ever had. There was always a need to remain hidden and shielded from the judgement of others. The odometer that most people developed in childhood was missing. I lacked the skill set needed to build meaningful, deep relationships with those around me. Thus turning to a superficial way of interacting, which brings me here today. It wasn’t until the weekend of October 11, 2013, that I truly experienced God’s love for me. I accepted the reality of a man loving me so much that He would send His son to die for me. That defining moment sent me on the quest For my life. A journey to learn more about this love and how I could be me and still be adored. Sadly, that meant that the woman I spent much of my life portraying would no longer be needed.  That meant the woman my husband knew would at some point cease to exist. That meant I would have to learn who I am, whose I am, what I like and what I don’t like all over again. And I was ready! But that meant my marriage would be blank, void of depth, knowledge and understanding.

It has been difficult for Marcus and I. We share a like background, both coming from homes that provided little to no source of consistent love and encouragement. In many ways we actually grew up alone, in our heads, absent of the relationships one learns to develop as a child. These wounds, scars, disappointments and photos of inexperience live with us each day. Me with my lack of trust and need for male approval and acceptance and him with his self protection and low self worth blend terribly on a day to day basis. My fervent request for the 3-4 month of our marriage was for Marcus to change and dwell less on the past on more on me-now-his wife-standing in front of him, but with each breathe we some how ended up back in the same loveless, pitiful, self absorbed, neglectful, painful pit of despair.  Love is eternal, God is eternal, Love is a choice, an action, Christ is a choice. Why has it been so hard to accept God’s grace in pain when all you want to do is feel love and appreciation from the people you’re with?

Marriage is TOUGH!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

These are the words I received a few months ago at a women’s retreat. Be strong, don’t be afraid, be courageous because I am with you wherever you go.  At work, as a mother, and now as a wife.